Easy does it.

I am in a zone that I call the 'hinterlands'. I am neither fully integrated nor fully outcast. I am just zoning in and out and sideways and backways in life for a while. Maybe I'll never reach my desired destination. To fully be at peace and in love with myself to allow others to love me and to finally allow my son to grow in peace and loving understanding. He will not perish. He and I will be successful. He will grow to love himself. We will are on our way to unafraid. That's why traveling light is key and being aware of the 'hinterlands' is no longer an obstacle but an adventure in tranquility. Be well.

No one to Blame

My son was admitted to partial day treatment at a psychiatric hospital yesterday. Leading up to this, he had been telling me he wanted to go back. He was there when he was 7 when he just had a melt down in school. His little psyche couldn't handle the rejection and not to mention the problems at home. He had no safe place. I was too drawn into my own wife and employee drama to really notice what steps I needed to take to protect my son. Since then, it has been all about my lack of insight as to what it means to protect my son. I know now that I cannot be with anyone else. Right now. My main objective is to get as healthy in my mind and in my heart as possible for my sons sake. He needs my energy to to be healthy not co-dependent unhealthy. We are at a cross roads. His anger at the world is really a cry for desperate structure and consistency. I am being called to the plate. To show off my new skills at self control and calm, even tempered discipline. He wants to know that I am not going anywhere, that mommy can make the hurt go away. I may never have been good at kissing the boo boos, but band aids, those I have plenty of and not running out soon. Later on, its my hope my training in emotional healing will help with the deeper wounds. For now, the meds and some gentle encouragement reminding me that no one is to blame may be what our doctor ordered.

Chilling at a Cafe...

Ever just sit with your kid at a cafe? I am soaking it up as I sit here doing my thing while he does his. Ever so often we interact (of course I initiate) and it feels terrific...like..we are in peace. Peace is a hard emotional commodity to come by. It takes work and it takes intention. Like art, it is part inspiration, part action. I made a peace action by buying tickets to one my DS's favorite books turned plays: Ms. Nelson is Missing! I downloaded the activity booklet and used it to go over pre-play questions. I got excited! Now, its I that can't wait for the show to start! O.k...to be a parent, I think its a requirement that to find true peace, one realize that they are to be O.K. with being a kid again.:) Thanks for reading.

Start an antibullying program - Never too early to start | GreatSchools

Start an antibullying program - Never too early to start | GreatSchools

New Year's Words of Advice

Sleep Healthy,
Eat Healthy,
Speak Healthy,
Pray Healthy,
Love Healthy,
Buy Healthy,
Give Healthy

The Greatest Gift

This is the start of a love-borne journaling project to document my life as a parent living with a child who has misunderstood and undiagnosed behaviors. These behaviors have their origins in decisions I made as a woman and a parent over 10 years ago and culminated in trauma and loss. This also tracks how reactions (or sometimes lack of) have a huge impact on our children and ultimately the life path we choose and our internal healing.

December 2010 - My DS (dear son) told me last night that Crowley (not his real name) was one of his best friends along with Isaac (also not his real name) but Isaac was always going to be his best-est friend forever. Due to moves and distance, they can no longer see each other to play, talk or laught, my DS still treasures their friendeships fostered in Kindergarten. He said he misses his time in Kindergarten especially nap time which I find so curious. I vividly recall how I was so embarrassed because he would not nap. His teachers often commented how it was hard for the other kids because my DS would not nap and would disturb other kids who would try to sleep. IF you ask my DS now, he just recalls fondly how he wasn’t tired and too absorbed in what was around him. In his words, he was too curious. Even so, he loved nap time because it was calming and relaxing. He clearly could remember that time. He didn’t remember so well, his time at Sugar Creek School where he spent K4. He says he doesn’t even remember what the room looked like. It wasn’t an overall great experience as a parent so I am not surprised that he doesn’t remember. Isn’t that so like a human’s brain defence mechanism to create a memory barrier to those parts of our lives that are painful and made us feel bad? I guess that is why for the majority of my life, I lived for the moment and did not recall the past. Only deep down, did I know that something was missing; something about not remembering was somehow more hurtful than having the memories. I guess what my DS said made it clear to me that not all his memories are bad and he may very well come out OK when remembering his childhood years ages 4-8 in spite of the trauma.