This is the start of a love-borne journaling project to document my life as a parent living with a child who has misunderstood and undiagnosed behaviors. These behaviors have their origins in decisions I made as a woman and a parent over 10 years ago and culminated in trauma and loss. This also tracks how reactions (or sometimes lack of) have a huge impact on our children and ultimately the life path we choose and our internal healing.
December 2010 - My DS (dear son) told me last night that Crowley (not his real name) was one of his best friends along with Isaac (also not his real name) but Isaac was always going to be his best-est friend forever. Due to moves and distance, they can no longer see each other to play, talk or laught, my DS still treasures their friendeships fostered in Kindergarten. He said he misses his time in Kindergarten especially nap time which I find so curious. I vividly recall how I was so embarrassed because he would not nap. His teachers often commented how it was hard for the other kids because my DS would not nap and would disturb other kids who would try to sleep. IF you ask my DS now, he just recalls fondly how he wasn’t tired and too absorbed in what was around him. In his words, he was too curious. Even so, he loved nap time because it was calming and relaxing. He clearly could remember that time. He didn’t remember so well, his time at Sugar Creek School where he spent K4. He says he doesn’t even remember what the room looked like. It wasn’t an overall great experience as a parent so I am not surprised that he doesn’t remember. Isn’t that so like a human’s brain defence mechanism to create a memory barrier to those parts of our lives that are painful and made us feel bad? I guess that is why for the majority of my life, I lived for the moment and did not recall the past. Only deep down, did I know that something was missing; something about not remembering was somehow more hurtful than having the memories. I guess what my DS said made it clear to me that not all his memories are bad and he may very well come out OK when remembering his childhood years ages 4-8 in spite of the trauma.
